Midnight: A Twilight Spoof
by konfusion
Summary: Welcome to Spoons, where Belle Duck, a bratty, arrogant girl surprisingly falls in love with the jittery but gorgeous Edmund Collins. But there's one more thing-he's a vampire. But will Belle be okay with a creepy vampire stalker trying to kill her?
1. Preface

**A/N: **Yeah so this is our first fanfiction. Yay! Haha, okay, let's just cut to the chase. READDDD!!

**DISCLAIMER: Story plot belongs to Stephenie Meyer, who we are not. We just like having fun making spoofs :D**

**PREFACE**

I never thought about how I would die—it's pretty emo to do that—but I didn't think it would end like this.

I stared lamely into the creepy eyes of the stalker, and he looked back at me in a too-friendly way.

This was surely a sucky was to die—I thought I had a future telling best friend and a gorgeous vampire boyfriend to protect me! How could they let a vampire stalker get past them?

If I hadn't moved to Spoons, this totally wouldn't be happening. But I didn't regret my decision—I loved my vampire, even if he wasn't very good at protecting me.

I stepped back a little as the stalker inched forward, clearly raping me with his eyes.


	2. Second Glance

**Authors Note: FINALLY, RIGHT!? So I've been torturing everyone for a long ass time, but it's here! The long awaited first chapter of Midnight is here for your reading pleasures. Enjoy. (:**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I do, however, own this spoof and every idea put forth into it.**

It was hot as my mother drove me to the airport. I was wearing my favorite shirt—a Buffy the Vampire Slayer t-shirt—as a departing gesture, and my carry-on item was a raincoat. It would probably come in handy, considering I was going to the rainiest place in the U.S., also known as Spoons, Washington. I was completely dreading this trip, and it didn't help that the mindless rambling my mother was producing was giving me a headache.

Finally, we got to the airport. Before my mother could ask _yet again_ if I still wanted to go to Spoons, I ran off toward the direction of my gate without a goodbye. Hey, my mother knew I was a bitch. Did she honestly expect a goodbye?

When I got onto my plane, some fat man asked if the seat next to me was taken. I replied with a hasty 'yes,' since I didn't want his flub to invade my seat throughout the five hour flight. Come on, a girl needs her elbow room.

I finally landed at the Angeles Port Airport, where my father, Chad, was waiting for me.

"CHAD!" I exclaimed as I got off the plane.

"Belle, I would prefer if you called me 'Dad'" he said.

"Whatever. Go get my shit from baggage claim while I watch." Like I said, I'm a bitch.

My father didn't approve of my idea, or my language, but he started walking towards baggage claim anyway. Hah, what a pushover! I think my time in Spoons just became a little more promising.

I didn't talk to Chad on the way to Spoons. I think he was still mad at me, but I really didn't care. However, a few minutes before we got there, he finally spoke up.

"Uhm, Belle. I got you a little homecoming present." He mumbled awkwardly.

"Oh joy," I said, laying on heavy sarcasm. "and what, exactly, would that be?"

"Oh. Well, Bill from the reservation is in a wheelchair now—"

"Who the hell is Bill? And why would I care if he's in a wheelchair?" I cut in.

"BILL is an old FAMILY FRIEND, Belle. Don't be so rude. And you should care that he's in a wheelchair, because if he wasn't, you wouldn't have even gotten your present!"

"Chad. _Rude_ is my middle name." I replied.

"What? No it's not! Your middle name is Marie." He said, clearly confused. Wow, what a bum.

"I was kidding, Dad. And could you just tell me what my present is already?" I replied, getting impatient, as I usually do.

"IT'S A CAR! Go ahead, say thank you." He clearly seemed eager for my reaction.

"Well…what year is it?" I asked.

"I think it's a '09 model. It's purty." He said. But before I could reply, we pulled into the driveway.

"HOLY SHIT!" I said. It was a brand spanking new sports car. I was going to have fun picking up guys in this baby.

My dad looked at me excitedly, clearly waiting for a "thank you." I gave him no such thing, but instead asked for the keys. My time in Spoons just got a WHOLE lot better.

Chad. Can't. Cook.

Well, unless you count TV Dinners. How the hell has he been living without my mother for seventeen years? And speaking of my mother—he's still completely obsessed with her! Our early family pictures are still on the mantel, (as are my school pictures, which I will take down and burn while he's not home) plus it looks as though my mom still LIVED here. My father is a loser.

He also doesn't have any food in the house. So I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow. ME. Though tonight, I had to have a TV dinner. Which tasted horrible, I might add. After this disgusting dinner, I went to bed, since I had nothing better to do with my life. Tomorrow I would start school at Spoons High School. Oh joy. Not.

The next morning, I dressed particularly boring, since that what this town was. A plain black v-neck and jeans would do for the day, plus the now necessary rain boots. It was already raining. I could tell this day was going to be strange.

Once downstairs, I put on my raincoat and set off in the rain towards my beautiful new sports car. The moment I got into the car I could smell that _new car_ smell, and it was great. I then set off toward my new school.

I would have missed the turn had I not been reading the signs. Spoons High looked like a poorly funded, one floor office building. I pulled into the parking lot and saw many people ogling at my car, and felt a little uncomfortable by their stares. God, already these people are rude!

I got out of my car and went to the office to receive my schedule. When I walked inside the office, I had to think of my dead grandmother to keep from laughing. There before me was a morbidly obese woman in a purple t-shirt that showed of her flubber. It made me want to gag/burst out laughing, but I held back.

"Yo. Do you have my schedule? My name is Belle Duck." I said.

"Oh. Hey Belle. Yes, I have your schedule right here. We've been expecting you." She said to me warmly. The last part of her sentence creeped me out. Like, "WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU SO WE CAN EAT YOUR BRAINS!" I watch horror films, okay?

I took my schedule, and once I left the office I burst out laughing. Seriously, the whole time she was speaking I was imagining poking her flub and wondering if she would feel it if I did, or if my finger would get lost in all the rolls of pure fat. Just then, a boy with some serious acne problems came walking up to me.

"HEY!" he said quite obnoxiously. "YOU'RE ISABELLE DUCK, AREN'T YOU?! HUH HUH HUH?"

"Uh…yes?" I replied hesitantly. He was a freaking creep.

"WELL I'M ETHAN PORKY! WELCOME TO SPOONS HIGH!" he said, still a little too enthusiastically.

"That's nice…though Porky?"

"Yeah," He said defensively. "YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"

"Actually, asshole, I do. I HATE PORK!" I exclaimed, unashamed of my words.

"Oh really now? Well that's good, 'cause I hate duck!"

"GOOD!" I said. "THEN WE'RE DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO BE FRIENDS. And here's a tip—go buy some proactiv!" I yelled, and walked away from him. GOD, the nerve of some people!

I found my first class easily, considering the class names were on each of the buildings. Unfortunately, I picked up a stalker in that class, too. His name was Mitch Fig, and he was possibly even more annoying and obnoxious than Ethan Porky!

"So, Belle. I know we just met, but I couldn't help but notice your extreme attraction to me. Lucky for you, I find you pretty attractive as well. I'll pick you up tonight at seven for our date." He said to me as we were walking to our second period class, clearly over-confident and cocky.

"Mitch. I am not attracted to you. So you will NOT be picking me up tonight at seven." I said, annoyed. Luckily, we got to our next class, so he had to shut up.

My other classes passed by in an annoying blur, the annoying part being Mitch. Nothing truly interesting happened, that is, until lunch.

I was sitting at a table with most of the new people I met—Mitch, Ethan (I was sitting very far away from him), Angelica Webster, and Jasmine Stevely—when _they_ walked into the cafeteria.

"Who are _those_ people?" I asked Jasmine, not so quietly.

"Them? Oh, those are the Collins. The short pixie-like girl is Alex Collins, she's a weirdo. Her boyfriend, Jackson Hule, is the one who looks like he's always in pain. The really pretty one is Rosie Hule, and she's Jackson's twin. She's with Evan Collins, the really big one. The one who came in last is Edmund Collins. He's totally hot, but probably gay since he hasn't dated anyone here." She said to me in a rush. I barely made out anything but the names and the relationships.

"Really," I said. She probably got turned down by Edmund…though I wouldn't be surprised if he turned her down because he couldn't understand what she was saying…

"Yeah, it's kind of sick, if you think about it. They're all adopted under the same family…but they're all TOGETHER, you know? Isn't that like, invest or something?" She asked, confused.

"You mean incest? But I don't think it's incest, since they're not really related…duh."

"Oh. Okay!" she said. Wow, I noticed that she's not the brightest bulb in the pack.

I was still staring at the Collins' table. Shouldn't they all be popular, since they were all so good looking? They were sitting in the corner of the cafeteria like a bunch of losers. As I was staring, the boy named Edmund looked at me. I was prepared to stare him down, but he flinched and looked away.

_What a little pansy,_ I thought. _He can't even look anyone in the eye! _As I thought this, I actually noticed that he did look a little jittery and wasn't even talking to his brothers or sisters. Weird…

Apparently, I had been staring at them longer than I thought, since I jumped when the lunch bell rang. _Oh joy! More classes and stares to endure…and this time in my least favorite subject, Biology!_

It turns out I had Biology with Mitch. I swear, I turned him down four times just on the way from lunch to the classroom. I silently thanked God that he already had a lab partner.

I walked directly in front of the fan to give the teacher, whose name was , a slip to sign. While he was signing, I briefly scanned the classroom for any empty seats to see who I had to sit next to.

_Oh great! It's MrJitteryPants from lunch!_ I thought as I realized the only empty seat was next to Edmund Collins. The wind from the fan was blowing my hair, and I started to look away, I saw something in my peripheral vision that made me take a second glance back at Edmund.

He was holding his hand to his mouth as if he were going to throw up, and his hand moved to his mouth right when I walked in front of the fan. Did he think I smelled bad or something?

"Well, Miss Duck. You can go take the empty seat by Mr. Collins." Mr. Benson said, snapping me out of questioning how I smelled.

I started walking toward Edmund, and as I did, the hand over his mouth only got tighter. I looked into his eyes. They were completely black. If looks could kill, I would probably be dead. But I decided not to let this get to me. I glared right back at him, just to show him who he was messing with. Yet again, he flinched and looked away, jittering in his seat again. What the hell was wrong with this boy?

All through class, his hand stayed covering his mouth. I took a few whiffs of my hair, and since it smelled like lilacs, the scent of my favorite shampoo, I knew it wasn't a bad odor coming off me that was making him act this way. He probably just really had to take a crap, and was too embarrassed to ask to use the bathroom. I decided to stick with that for the rest of class, and tried to ignore him jumping around in his seat every five seconds.

When the bell rang, he shot out of his seat and out the door before anyone else even blinked. I knew he had to take a big crap.

"Wow," Mitch said, walking up to me. "Did Edmund Collins have to take a big crap or what?" He asked.

"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT!" I exclaimed, and we gave each other a high five. Mitch wasn't a total idiot, besides the fact he thought I was attracted to him.

We headed to our next class, gym, together. I was excellent at volleyball, since I'm a really good athlete. After I got my gym teacher to sign my slip at the end of class, I headed back to the office, or the lair of morbidly obese secretaries in purple t-shirts.

Though when I walked into the office, somebody was already talking to the fat woman. I peered around to see who she was talking to, and saw none other than MrJitteryPants himself, Edmund Collins.

"Are you _sureeee_ you can't switch me into a different Biology class? There has to be _something _else available besides 6th period!" He asked, in a very persuading and sexy voice, I might add.

"I'm sorry, _Edmund_," The fat lady purred, "But there's just simply no other junior classes open!"

"Well can't I take a senior class, then? Mr. Benson wouldn't mind, and I could keep up, considering my GPA. Please, there's GOT to be something else besides 6th period Biology."

Wait a second. 6th period Biology is MY class. SO HE DIDN'T HAVE TO CRAP REALLY BADLY! And since Mitch basically said it wasn't his normal behavior…it must have had SOMETHING to do with me. He probably got a boner because I'm so beautiful and doesn't want his pants tighter than they already are.

Suddenly, the door behind me opened, and some nerdy girl came in, dropped off some papers, and quickly left. The wind from outside blew into the office, and Edmund Collins turned around with the same look he had given me in Biology. I simply returned the dirty glare, and he flinched again and turned back to the fat secretary.

"Fine. I see that you can't do anything. Have a nice day." And he brushed pass me and stormed out of the office.

I handed the paper to the fat woman before me, not letting her see my eye roll at Edmund Collins' behavior.

"How was your day?" She asked me in an annoying, maternal way.

"Oh, great!" I said, giving her a nice dose of sarcasm.

"Okay…" she said, and turned back to her fat lady work.

I walked out of the office quickly, because the faster I walked the faster I could get out of this stupid place they called an educational building. I wasn't bothered by Edmund Collins at all, but I was thinking of ways to _educate_ him on not being such an ass as I drove my way home in my brand new sports car.

**There are certain things from this chapter I really liked. Such as Belle/Bella thinking that Edmund/Edward had to take a big crap or that he had a boner from looking at her. Hahahaha. Anyway, review. AND YOU MUST BE HAPPY THAT I FINALLY UPDATED THIS! I'll start working on the second chapter right away, and I swear, it won't take as long to upload as the first one. No, you will not be waiting another eight months, I swear! (:**


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